Tuesday, December 23, 2008

It's Christmas, Eh?

Christmas is here, as you can tell by the people stuck at the airport. They are stacking them up until a jet can take them to another airport to wait for a flight back home. The ice and snow have made it so slick that you can fall from Seattle to Boston quicker than you can fly. The Canadians have finally perfected their weapons of mass ice encrustation.
The radio has been having its 'Driver to Driver' calls coming from two types-those who say they know how to drive in the snow and those who bitch about the fast divers. The rest of the news is about the 4000 wrecks so far this week. Think how many wrecks we'd have if the bad drivers had been out there.
For a city that is as far north as Montreal, Seattle is signally unprepared for anything related to weather. Our buildings have collapsed, I think I heard that three structures plus a tent have fallen down under the weight of the snows. The only deaths so far have been a cow and a calf in a barn full of cows at a dairy farm. The tent was over a skating rink, one kid was taken to a hospital but seems to be fine. Even our disasters are mediocre. No firestorms, no tornadoes, no hurricanes, just cold and snow and a dead cow. We manage to yawn our way through all the natural destruction everybody else gets. We are sort of an antiBangladesh. That's a country that knows how to slaughter the crowds with nature. The year begins with fires and floods, then moves into massive earthquake season followed by the typhoon and tidal wave days, with a few disease epidemics year-round. The last guy to die of old age was twenty years ago-he was twenty years old also-how ironic. Tell a Bengali about Revelation and he'd try to get a flight there for vacation. They have few wars in Bangladesh, the water and heat rot the guns too quickly. Plus no old people to start them and nothing to steal thereby. They had been part of India, but even the Hindus couldn't take the destruction.
We in the northern climes have to have tyrants slaughter us to reach such efficiency. Russia and China, Germany and Korea, could have spent the last century being poor Canadas, with hypergeeks building supercomputers out of Commodore 64s and rebuilding cars with three screwdrivers and a pair of pliers, but they had to get political and slaughter the rich and intelligent and productive. Then, when they wonder why they can't produce and have no money, they can trot out fake rockets and eat them. Meanwhile, the Canadians have been perfecting the giant frozen air mass and are gelling our brains. The brain freeze is NOT caused by Slurpees but by the Nanooks up North. While we're all rolling around on the floor holding our heads they're slipping into the country and seizing the products they can't grow there-hillbillies, armadillos and catfish. Pretty soon no more soulfood. Everybody will be eating frozen dinners that taste like cutrate airline meals. If everybody joins the NRA they'll remember that they left the iron on and go home. And take the Arctic air mass with them. Please. Have a happy holiday.