Sunday, November 23, 2008

I come out as a humorist.

Hi and welcome to my new and improved blog-Acme Humor Company is dedicated to making you laugh, so if I hear any chortling I will be nonplussed. I was never the class clown-I was the class lion tamer. Our class clowns-all nineteen -were killed when their Geo burst into flames. I have been called a no-class clown but I won't mention that.
Humor is no laughing matter-people get hurt when you tell a joke and then find out that their name really is Johnny Fuckerfaster. We in the biz are there because we are too lazy to do real work and we want to collect every car we ever heard of like Jay Leno does. He actually was a very good mechanic before he became a 5 hour a week joker. He went from about $500 a week for forty hours of grease and broken nails and listening for the whir and thump that meant somebody's Volvo wouldn't Volv and now makes about $500 a second cracking jokes in a suit.
Someday I want to get paid for making fun of the dorks and douchebags that currently make my life a living hell. Especially that asshole who laughs at me...wait a minute...I want lots of people to laugh at me. Ain't irony a bitch! If nobody laughs at you you are considered grave or dour-or Chevy Chase. If a few laugh at you then you are a dork or a douchebag. If millions laugh at you then you get to fart through silk and fly your own 747.
The best thing about writing is that I can do it while wearing my favorite footsie pajamas and a particolored cockring. Let's try that at the nearest motorcycle clubhouse! Ever seen a guy get stuffed into the distal end of a Harley exhaust pipe? When they do it and use K-Y jelly it is a token of admiration. If they use jalapeno jelly you might want to avoid their company for a bit. If you want to be funny it is easy-being funny and getting paid is the hard part. I never had anybody hand me cash for cracking jokes, but that will end soon-I am dying of cancer. Of the humerus(rimshot). But humorously folks, keep reading this blog and I will select somebody in the future to receive oodles of cash from advertisers and sponsors and agents and impresarios-and I'll give you a clue-IT WON'T BE YOU.

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