Monday, December 8, 2008

Boat Peephole

Some guys express their midlife crisis with a sports car or a floozy but I went for a boat. Ah good times-spending the day drifting into the distance trying to figure out the intricacies of a marine steering system, or trying to get back to the dock with the transom about to separate and send a borrowed and expensive outboard to the bottom when it fails. I managed to avoid that actually occurring. The worst part about losing a loaned motor is that you get to buy one and not own it!I once stood at the bow of a boat and held it, while two friends spent an hour pumping the water out so we could get off the beach and start fishing again. I found out how far my leg can bend backwards when a wave pushed the boat into me. The day started off the way these local morons always say it must-getting out on the water before the first streaks of light are in the sky and we fished, as always, until about one PM when we caught a few fish.I contend that it is better to sleep until noon and go out and catch the fish at one PM after a good 16 hours rest, but what do I know?The law has decided that drunken boating is dangerous, so we can't have fun anymore. I suppose drifting in a boat, passed out for 3 hours in the main shipping lanes was NOT safe-I woke up in one piece! The greatest actual danger I faced was trying to discreetly pee over the side without falling in after I came to.Remember, never go fishing with one Baptist-he'll drink all the beer. Take two and they'll keep an eye on each other.If you really get masochistic take up duck hunting. Nothing says stupid as much as going out at 4 AM to sit in a sleet storm to shoot greasy birds. Now that steel shot is mandatory it is even easier to break your teeth. The dentists must have gotten that law passed.Another thrill is waterskiing. My brother tried it and looked like somebody was dragging a beluga whale to its death. One day we were out and a guy went skiing naked because he had no swimsuit. He did okay even when we headed for the only boat in sight. After embarrassing him a little we headed back across the river and he was skiing way to the right(port) and the left(cabernet), and so on. When he was way out to the side and zipping along about thirty, the pilot steered right at him and the line just went slack. He turned the boat just in front and gunned it. I had time to think twice "He's not going to hold on" when he DID and went airborne for at least twenty-five feet, with his little wee-wee flapping in the cold New England air. He hit the water like a corpse off the back of Bebe Rebozo's yacht. If I'd had a video camera I'd be able to retire. Just to top the day off we untied the boat while skibum and pilot went for gasoline. We ended up paddling against the current for twenty minutes while the entire restaurant laughed at us-we couldn't get the last thirty feet back to the dock until somebody towed us as the motor wouldn't start.But it will all be better if I can just get another boat 5 feet longer-then things will change!

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