As a trite and unoriginal writer I have decided to write a fake advice column cuz I think it would be easy to get humor out of the pathetic lives of those who need help. I also figure that they would write half the words and I'd only have to look in the dicshunary a couple of times a week. How did you get started in the advisin' bidness?
You have the idea! Just convince the hoi-polloi that you can solve their dilemmas and once a week a courier will come to your house with a check and swap it for your measly few words. I and the little lady sit around laughing at these simps. We get tons of letters full of money, and assorted offerings of vegetable nature and then crack up for hours. It's better than TV by a mile. Americans will step over dead humans for hours and send thousands to a cat that got stuck in a tree overnight.
Luckily I caught the printer before he started running this edition so I get to ask another question. How is it that you can answer a question from a new letter from a previous correspondent?
This is a little known fact about the media: we are omniscient. Right now I can tell that you are sitting at a PC, and wondering how I could answer a letter from a respondent when the whole idea seems absurd at its root.
You truly amaze me, and, I am sure, your other 15 readers.
P. (Diddy) Mole
I just keyed your car . I am your neighbor and I get sick and tired of all the laughing and partying you clowns do all night.
That sound you heard wasn't a firecracker. I hope you saved a receipt for that dogfood.
I am Lieutenant Rollins of the Tomah PD and you're under arrest for shooting that dog,.
Dear Lt Rollins,
He had a knife.
Hey can I get a little help here? My daughter is having trouble in school and my son is dancing with cocaine and my wife is turning out to be a real weirdo. I have three separate infestations of lice and I am sporting a hump with a whistling mole. The gargoyle that says she is my neighbor has dumped human remains in the recycling. I can't get Hannity OR Coombs to stop talking; they are on every channel selling tourmaline statuettes of Idi Amin in a bobsled. Please send help or something.
I am in the dayroom playing pinochle with a psychopath-you do the math.
Over and Out