Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Gobble This Down

Well I made it through another Thanksgiving. I really do like this holiday, except for the timing. We need a three-day feast in August so we can wallow in the water after eating for hours and rinse off the debris that is accruing. In November we stare at gloomy grey skies and freeze just thinking about the annual horror of Christmas decorating.
There's a great idea-let's climb onto an ice-covered roof after swilling some hard cider so we can show everybody how easy self destruction can be. If we survive we can go downstairs and light up the candle bedecked pine tree that we forgot to water.
O TannenBOMB indeed. A few more testimonials for Darwin are always popular despite the views from the pews.
In my primitive days back East and Down South we would "go hunting" after the Thanksgiving meal. It was always a half mile stroll hoping not to see or kill anything so we could stop hunting and go lie down. Nowadays we 'hunt' on the Internet for a good video showing some cretin in the Midwest getting his hand bit off by a hummingbird or a newscaster absentmindedly fingering his nose ON AIR. Less chance of getting guts on the counter now. I have never really been a hunter; fishing caused me to spend a lot to catch free fish; if I hunted I would really be broke now. I'll just have to find some other way to get the weenies mad at me! Maybe I'll hire some black folk to whip on my plantation, while I catch squawfish. These have been renamed northern pikeminnows now, but they still gobble millions of game fish young. One worthy made over $30.000 one recent year catching them for the bounty. I could recoup my losses on fishing gear by launching a pikeminnow pogrom. Send as many as you can to me at the following address Me 123 Easy street Anytown USA. Please saute first and use an herb mayonnaise.
Then after a few weeks we forget the trials of Thanksgiving and whip up another monster meal for Christmas. The best way to do it is have a potluck and then you get to eat 3 bean salad for days. This is culinary manslaughter. Open three cans and call it a salad?!!?! Go ahead and put some 'salad mustard' on it. There's a taste sensation! Some London restaurant will start featuring that dish and really cement(;>) the reputation of food in England-where Thanksgiving Day is called Bedwetter's Eve and involves parsnips as metaphor.

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